Last week, a friend, whom I consider to be a pretty loud yeller, told me that I yell at my kids a lot.
What the WHAT?
To me, that was like an alcoholic telling someone they’re drinking too much.
To put it into context, when she made that comment I was yelling my kids to get out of the street because a car was coming. Apparently my yell was a tad bit piercing. Even still, it did get me to examine my parenting skills. I do tend to yell a lot, even when cars are not involved.
What better way to self reflect than to go straight to the targets of my loud verbal outcries – my sweet boys.
Me: “Boys, do I yell a lot?”
Them: “Yeah. Why?”
Me: “I was just told that I yell at you guys a lot.”
Them: “You do, but it’s okay. We love you anyway.”
Me: “You realize I yell at you because you don’t listen to me, right?”
Them: “Yeah, we know.”
The conversation ended there. I went off and pondered for a while. Then I came back to them and proposed a new strategy, adopted from what I’ve observed their teachers doing in class. I decided that I’d simply clap five times until I got their attention. It seems to work for the teachers, why not for me?
It lasted one day. I felt so stupid doing it and the boys laughed at me. We then all agreed that yelling was the preferred approach.
That being said, I do try other strategies before I get to the point of yelling. They include:
- Asking them to look me in the eyes so they are focused on what I’m saying.
- Counting the three (what parent doesn’t do this?).
- Threatening them (i.e. no iTouch, early bed time, no playing with friends, etc…).
- Or sometimes, I very, very calmly, with a slightly psychotic look in my eyes, tell them that in a minute I’m gonna yell really loudly. This one is surprisingly effective.
I’m open to some new ideas. Anyone out there who does something other than yelling to get their kids’ attention? My voice box could use a break.
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To yell once in a while is ok, but to yell a lot is not healthy.
No, not healthy. But sometimes unavoidable.
I have been thinking about this so much lately. My theory is yelling is the new spanking. No one wants to hit their kids, but we need to release our frustration with them so we yell and then we always feel guilty for yelling. It sucks.
Every once in a blue moon I get in “the zone” and am able to go a while (weeks) without yelling. Here is what I do when I’m rocking the parent gig:
If I’ve asked my son to put something away or come do his homework but he is still on the floor playing with something I walk over to him, take his hand, make him drop what he’s doing and then walk him over to wherever his attention needs to be now.
If my daughter is getting an attitude with me and being rude I take out a piece of paper and quietly write down her offenses. Then I look at the list and assign her some chores to do as penance.
If I asked them to put something away and it’s laying on the floor somewhere else, I either make them take care of it right now while I’m watching or it disappears for a while depending on how much my kid will miss it. Socks = “get these in the hamper now”, Kindle = “sorry honey, you can have that back Tuesday because you didn’t take care of it.”
I read a parenting article once that said you should never ask a kid to do something 3 times. Ask once and then direct them to doing it right away. I find when I follow this that I yell a lot less and my frustration level is much lower. But it’s hard to keep it together all the time, so try to cut yourself some slack.
(And please forgive me the novel I just composed on your page!)
Marian,
Those are all EXCELLENT ideas! I’m going to try every single one of them! I think yelling is sometimes the easy way out. It’s easier to yell than it is to stop what you’re doing and methodically enforce whatever behavior you’re trying to get them to do. But, easier isn’t better. Thanks!!!
Seriously, you and I should be BFFs. I would never tell you that you yell at your kids too much because I would be right there next to you yelling at mine! Your post made me laugh. What is it about boys that they don’t listen unless we yell? I do the counting to three thing, which generally works because they know if I hit four, I will yell or punish. Sometimes I talk really quietly so they have to be quiet to listen. And sometimes I just keep repeating what I want them to do in monotone over and over. They finally get it after a while. In my Sunday post on Her View From Home I talk about a few strategies I’m using with them this summer. But believe me, I feel your pain. I’m sure the summer months will provide some really good blog fodder for us all!
Kathy,
I can’t even imagine how you deal with all those boys! I only have two and I can barely deal with them. I don’t know if it’s a boy thing or what, but I think my kids are hard of hearing. I’m gonna check out your View From Home post. And you’re right. We’ll have plenty to complain about on our blogs when summer rolls around!
PS… I’ll totally be your BFF. If only you lived in NJ – we could get our wild boys together and have a few cocktails!