Those who know me well know I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I always have and probably always will. Today, I pretty much have a handle on it; I understand it. But when I was younger—well, that’s another story.
As a child, I really didn’t understand my panic attacks. Talking about it or acknowledging it was taboo. It was a thing that I hated about myself and feared immensely. Growing up, I thought I was “abnormal” (a term that I often used to describe myself—just ask my parents). I felt like all my friends were so normal … and then there was me.
Anyone who’s had a panic attack will tell you it’s an absolutely terrifying experience. (I won’t go into details about exactly what happens to me when I have a full blown panic attack—let’s just say, it is extremely unpleasant. Extremely.) Much as I don’t enjoy this part of me, I no longer see myself as abnormal. Today, I (for the most part) see myself as an average person who, like so many, struggles with something less than awesome.
I don’t like it, but I do accept it. And I have a strategy for it—a strategy that has stopped many panic attacks in their tracks. It’s worked so well for me, I though I’d share my approach with you.
Steps for dealing with an oncoming panic attack:
- Breathe, deeply and slowly. This is unequivocally the first (and maybe most important) step in warding off an panic attack, in my opinion. Breathe in through your nose, filling you belly then your lungs, and out through your mouth. Do this over and over. Long, slow, deep breaths. In and out.
- Find a place to lie down, if possible. Try to relax your body. Keep breathing.
- Tell yourself that you are not in any physical danger. Though it may feel like something terrible is going to happen, tell yourself that what you are experiencing is not life-threatening—that you are safe.
- Keep breathing, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
- Invite the panic in. It’s banging on the door and it wants to knock it down. But don’t let it barge in. Don’t exert all of your energy trying to force it out. Just relax and let it in. By doing this, you will regain some control. With this, you become a willing participant rather than a victim.
- See your panic attack for what it is: your body’s coping mechanism for a perceived danger. It is not the enemy, but rather a part of you that thinks it is being helpful. It’s not the monster you think it is; it is well intentioned; it’s kicking your body into gear to handle what it perceives to be an emergent situation, even though it is not.
- Accept it. Don’t fear it. Make peace with it.
- Know that if your panic attack does takes over, it’s okay. Let it. It’s not the end of the world. This, too shall pass.
More times than not, I am able to keep my panic attacks at bay with this approach—but not always. When I do succumb—when the panic takes over—I’ll admit I get very upset and I start feeling sorry for myself. But with each step backwards, I remind myself that I am a work in progress. I try to see each failed attempt as a learning… as a forward step on my journey towards emotional peace. Though it’s not always easy, I work very hard at keeping this perspective.
I know that my panic attacks are not a thing of the past. I know they will strike again—and that’s okay. I have learned that accepting this imperfect part of me is much easier than the immense pressure I used to place on myself trying to will it away.
For more useful information, check out Embracing the Fear: Learning To Manage Anxiety & Panic Attacks by Judith Bemis and Amr Barrada. This book has become my bible for anxiety and panic. I’ve referenced it so many times, it’s got more earmarked pages, circled paragraphs and underlined phases than I care to admit.
Have you ever had a panic attack? Do you have an approach that works for you?
My husband deals with anxiety and panic attacks. I know and see how much they scare him. Thanks for writing about this difficult subject.
Thanks for your response, Deana. It is hard to write about, but I just felt like I wanted to share. Good luck to your husband.
Profound and insightful. You are my role model for dealing with my own trivial phobias, but most importantly, your boys are learning important lessons in dealing with life’s bumps in the road, by witnessing their courageous Mom.
Thanks, but I would not refer to myself as courageous.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher
I wish Is written this but it expresses well, the subject at hand.
Wow, great article. I too, suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and have for about 20 years now. You are so brave to put it out there and talk about it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to accept that it’s a part of me and have learned that no one is perfect. We all have our “things”. If you ever want to talk about it (it’s always interesting for me to connect with others that have the same thing), I’m available. I look forward to reading the book – haven’t read it yet! Thanks again for a great article. This is my favorite quote from your piece – “I have learned that accepting this imperfect part of me is much easier than the immense pressure I used to place on myself trying to will it away.”
Thank you for your comment, Jennifer. I used to not be able to talk about it at all, but I find that the more I do, the less awful I feel about it. It wasn’t easy to write about it—in fact, I kept putting it down and coming back to it. But I just wanted to get it out there and at least offer my advice for others who are going through it (and for me for those times when I forget my own advice).
This is great advice. I have had two panic attacks in my life and each was horrific. However – something told me to breathe through it. And I did. I was taking yoga a lot at the time, and that’s how I knew to breathe. And it worked.
Thanks for writing this, Steph!
PS – do you know your commentluv isn’t working? It hasn’t been for a while…
JD, yes I learned the deep breathing in Yoga as well (taking a class today, as a matter of fact). The breathing is huge.
I would never think to “invite the panic in,” but I guess it makes sense if you want to gain control of it. I am going to practice these steps for an upcoming event that is already causing some panic.
Kathy, that strategy has really worked for me. Sometimes when I feel it coming on, instead of fearing it and becoming more terrified, I lie down and say, “okay, I’m ready. Come on. I’m in a safe spot and I have a few minutes to spare. Come on.” Sounds stupid (talking to myself), but it does help.
Thank you for this article. The part that struck me the most was the:
See your panic attack for what it is: your body’s coping mechanism for a perceived danger. It is not the enemy, but rather a part of you that thinks it is being helpful. It’s not the monster you think it is; it is well intentioned; it’s kicking your body into gear to handle what it perceives to be an emergent situation, even though it is not.
It’s really hard for me to explain this to my husband. He has never had a panic attack so when they happen it’s almost like he thinks I’m just being dramatic. They are always when we are doing something that scares me like repelling or doing some sort of physical sport like rock climbing or camping 10 hours from anyone else. I think he thinks I just don’t like the activities and that the panic is “acting out” but really it’s just when I’m scared.
If you have any advice for communicating why this happens to someone who has never experienced it I’d love to hear it.
Vespa,
That’s helped me, too… thinking of it as a party of my body that thinks it’s being helpful. I used to think of it as an evil thing that was coming after me. I’m trying to be more accepting of my body’s coping mechanism for emotional stress.
As for your husband, I wish I could offer some advice. Mine is the same way. He is calm as a cucumber. He never gets anxious about anything — never. And though he’s seen me have many panic attacks, he’s never understood it. He says things like, “just stop worrying and you’ll feel better,” or something like that. So, I feel your pain.
Thank you for that feedback. I actually talked to him about it today and cited this post. I think it was helpful. He basically said “oh well I’ve never thought about it that way.”
I think it’s difficult for some men to understand something they haven’t personally had experience with. It’s also hard because different people perceive danger at different triggers. We had this incident when we climbed Half Dome in Yosemite. The last 250 yards should require harnesses (imho) because it’s straight down 5,000ft. We didn’t have a harness and to me that was a perceived danger. In his opinion “thousands of people do it every year,” and he was cool as a cucumber to just chance it.
Anyhow, thanks for covering this topic and I’m really enjoying exploring your blog. We have similar interests.
V
First of all, I give you TONS of credit for the whole rock climbing thing. That is not something I would do. Sounds scary as hell. You’re awesome for even doing that. Go you!
As for our husbands, I’ve tried to talk to my husband about it a hundred times. He gets that I get super anxious over certain things, he just doesn’t get why. He never will. But God knows there are things about him that I’ll never understand. EVER!.
I need to do better at “inviting the panic in” I’m not good at that one.
Jessica,
This is a hard one. It’s very hard to allow it to happen when it’s the thing we dread most. It goes against ever fiber of our being to let something so unpleasant in. But I have found that by allowing it to happen, I become less afraid of it and, in turn, am able to calm down more quickly.
I had panic attacks when I was in my 20s. I see they were pretty mild compared to the kind you suffer from, but still scary. I never really thought of them as my body’s reaction to a perceived danger, but it makes a world of sense.
Dyanne,
When I learned that, about the body’s coping mechanism, it made me feel so much better. It made me feel like my body was just being over protective of me rather than trying to harm me. At least, that’s how I view it.
Glad to hear you don’t have as many anymore. They do suck, don’t they?
I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack, but I struggle a lot with anxiety, and it’s nice to read your honest discussion of this. So often I just feel like a crazy person and like I can’t really talk about it with anyone. Perfect perspective too, to remember that we are all works in progress…
THanks, Meredith. It is comforting to know we are not alone in our anxious ways. It was only when I started talking about it that I realized that so many people struggle with the same types of issues. It’s not easy to admit about ourselves, but it is not something to be particularly ashamed of, either. PS, so glad to hear you’ve never had a panic attack. They blow.
I’ve also had panic attacks and issues with anxiety since I was a child. It’s something that I have come to understand and for the most part, have under control (as far as the panic attacks go), but I do try to pay close attention to my body’s cues and signals that I might be headed in that direction.
Great tips and thanks for sharing your story!
Susan,
I think self awareness is a good thing. I’m very aware of my triggers and what happens to me as I feel the anxiety come on. Anxiety can be so hard to manage, but it CAN be managed. That’s what I’m focusing on.
This was great to read! My husband used to have these often when he was traveling a lot for work. He had one once and thought he was having a heart attack. He went to the emergency room and everything! It was great to read about it from your perspective.
Kelley, it is so hard for an “outsider” to understand how emotional distress can manifest physically. My husband still doesn’t get it after all these years. I can see how a lot of traveling can trigger it. It looks from your post like your husband no longer has them? If so, that’s great!
I have suffered from panic attacks for many years and fought back fiercely! It took about a year or so until I could flight them but I got the help I needed through 4 doctors (all in their own specialty) and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. The physician that recommended the workbook said to me “you have to do the work”, he was so right and I will never forget it, as a matter of fact that is what helps get through them is the work (all the things you’ve talked about in your post). I did and still do the work! I don’t know what causes these horrible things and why certain people get them and others don’t but I wouldn’t wish them on anyone and feel for those who have them. I have been able to use my experiences to help other people as you are doing here so thank you! Its important to speak up so people don’t feel like the are the only one going through it. There is life after (and during) panic attacks!
That’s great insight! I will definitely check into that book. I’m always open for new ideas on how to manage my anxiety. Thanks, Patricia!
Thank you for writing this. Panic attacks have taken over my life and I feel I’m losing control. My 6 year old witnessed one yesterday and he was so brave about it. I try so hard to breathe through them but its so hard in the moment. I’m a work in progress and someday I will beat this.
And my husband doesn’t understand either so I totally get it!
Casey,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I so get it. It can be so debilitating and so scary. At the same time, it is something that can be overcome. Try to keep that in mind. That’s what I tell myself when I get discouraged.
I just found your blog through a comment you made on another blog. Thank you for your honesty and your suggestions. I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life. I have not had any major panic attacks, but my 10 year old son suffers more than I do. His anxiety and panic attacks (only a few so far) are very difficult for me because they are such a trigger for my own issues. My husband does not understand it, but thank God he is able to parent my son in a more stable way than I can be when things are going down that road.
Rachel, I hear what you’re saying. I have one son who has anxious tendencies. I am desperately hoping he doesn’t progress to the point of panic attacks. I can only imagine how much of a trigger that would be for me. Good luck with your son. PS, your husband sounds similar to mine.