Earlier this year, I wrote about my son’s (or rather my) struggles with a new basketball team he’d joined. Now here I am two months later, still grappling with the same issues… but with a new learning.
In case you missed it, the basic gist was this: My son spent the winter on a competitive travel basketball team. He was far from the best player on his team and, at the time of that post, was sitting the bench quite a bit. And though I was upset, I forced myself to see some positives in the whole thing.
But…
As the season went on and things didn’t improve, I continued to get riled up. I tried to keep my mouth shut as I watched the coach play his favorites. I tried not to be “that mom” who gets mad cause her kid is being treated “unfairly.” I tried to show enthusiasm for it all while in the presence of my son. But it was hard.
Not gonna lie; I did not enjoy this season of travel basketball. No question. I was blindsided by the level of commitment involved. I was taken aback by the coach’s less-than-warm response to the fact that my son would miss a game or two (out of about 30) for a some more pressing personal priorities. I was not prepared for his intense need to win at the expense of my child. I felt it unnecessary for this team to be entered into tournaments that would require sometimes 5 games in one weekend. It was intensity times ten! They’re in 4th grade, not being scouted for college ball.
But I kept going… trudging along with a fake smile on my face.
The season came to a close on Friday night and the team ended out on top; they won championship for the league. Yay! But once again, my son sat the bench for the entire second half of the game. He was the only one who sat the bench for the entire second half of the game. Nine of the ten kids on the team got decent playing time, except for mine. But they won. And that’s all that matters, right? [she says while muttering profanities under her breath]
Damn, I was pissed! As the game progressed and it was clear he wouldn’t be put in again, I got up off the bleachers and went out into the hallway to watch the rest of the game. I couldn’t risk saying something I’d regret while sitting amongst the other parents.
I was fuming. And just as I was about to demand my husband give the coach a piece of my his mind (which I’m sure he wouldn’t have done), I saw the look on my son’s face as the buzzer sounded; it was a look of sheer happiness and excitement. And I magically gained some perspective.
Here’s where I netted out…
He wasn’t the one upset, I was. He learned a ton about the game of basketball. He improved a great deal throughout the season. He developed thicker skin. He made new friends. He mastered the art of cheering on his team from the sidelines. He had an awesome attitude—never sulking or crying or pouting.
This ten year old showed more grace and composure than his 39 year old mother.
My awesome child amazed me with his optimistic attitude, his selfless behavior and his eagerness to learn—even though things didn’t always go his way. And I now find myself taking cues from a ten year old about what it means to stay positive in the face of disappointment.
I’m so glad I gave birth to this child. In doing so, I created a whole person whom I get to admire.
At the end of the day, I give myself this simple advice:
Chill out mama bear. You need to relax and roll with it sometimes!
I’ve been right there with you, only with travel volleyball and my 14 year old daughter. It’s hard to sit quietly when you don’t feel they are being treated fairly (we paid the same $500 to play as everyone else on the team). But my daughter HAS learned a lot, in spite of not getting as much playing time. And I wouldn’t let myself go to the coach and cry NO FAIR. I’ve told my daughter she is welcome to bring it up with the coach herself, but I am not going to fight this battle for her. And she’s learning that life ISN’T fair. And you can’t always be the best at everything you do. Life lessons.
Good for you, Dyanne! It so hard not to fight their battles for them. I know I need to back off to an extent and let him figure out how to deal with these things in life.
I was happy that after having missed his entire season, I was able to “walk” into this final game and watch him play, and share in the exuberance of the win and the trophy awards. Im sure you know, too, that D-Man learned a few invaluable lessons as well, from his role model, big brother. It was a very good night!
He was so happy to have you there.
AW! This is touching. You love him and it’s natural to be a Mama Bear. My mom is the same way, however, I tend to be more laid back about such things. I do understand where it comes from, and it’s only natural to want fairness and just for your kids. I am glad you made it through. Love your stories, as always, Steph.
Thank you, Courtney. I really need to back off sometimes. But mama gets upset when her child is getting the short end of the stick. Good for you for being more laid back about it.
I’m sure it’s hard to sit there when you’ve invested so much time and money. But good for you for holding your tongue – not sure I could. I love your ending and the positive spin of this story. And really, if you look at any team in high school and college, there are always players sitting the bench. I guess the earlier he learns that the better. But, it sounds like this is giving him a great start, and maybe his bench sitting days will be few and far between in the years to come!
It really was a good experience for my son. And now he’s asking to be on the same team next year. Seriously, this kid is trying to kill me!
What an amazing son you have and what a wonderful perspective you both gained. I have to say, I don’t know if I could have been as gracious as you. I love that his joy and acceptance overpowered the negative. Great post.
Bethany, I really had to bite my tongue several times. My husband heard most of my bitching and complaining. I think for that reason alone, he’s happy the season is over. I fear as they get older, these kids of things are going to happen more often. Ugh.
What a surprise ending! Now to see what happens next year…
Ah, yes… next year. I’m hell bent on not letting him join this team again. But he really wants to, so I’m sure I’ll cave.
When I was in the varsity soccer team by default (I was a senior and the school was small enough to require seniors to be on varsity), I never played. That’s because, unlike your son, I’m sure, I was a terrible soccer player. But I loved being on that team.
That’s what struck me most about this list, that your son was happy to be a part of the team, because I remember feeling at way and I can vouch, it was worth not having played much.
Glad you’ve come to such a lovely conclusion. What a great kiddo!
That’s a really great perspective. It’s good to know you weren’t upset by all the bench time. I bet your mom wasn’t too happy!